Saturday, December 18, 2010

Watch out....

The side effects from Clomid is making me a not-so-nice person at times! I have had 1 day each cycle so far where I am just a mess. I cry for NO reason, am very snapping at others, and just want to give up on this whole TTC stuff. Even my co-workers get worried about me when I am like this. I am usually a very smiley, bubbly person, and dread this mood change. I feel so bad for those around me, but I can't control how I feel.

I am waiting to O right now, and getting anxious. I just want to see a +opk and a nice temp shift. Then I know that I have done what I can for this cycle and just hope that it ends with a BFP!

Christmas is right around the corner. I am so overly grateful for my wonderful husband, family, and friends! I wouldn't have made it this far without each person that is in my life. I am truly blessed! Happy Holidays!!!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Onto the Next Cycle

Well Clomid did its job, but without a BFP ending this time. I am grateful it worked so well and am hopeful for the next cycle! I had a mini-meltdown last week. Two years ago at Christmas time, Brian and I got to announce for the first time that we were expecting. Little did we know that the baby was already gone. Its amazing how one day can change your life forever. So I had a "dream" of being able to do the same this Christmas. But that will have to wait for another time. I am scared that the Clomid worked this time, but may not the next. Or what if it I don't get KU on it at all, and have to talk IUIs or IVF. We can't afford that. Ugg, the stress of TTC.

For now, I am grateful for my husband, family, and friends! And on a much happier note, I am officially down 10.6 lbs!!!! Take that, OB! I can't wait to go in to see her again and show her how much I have lost so far. Have a great day!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It Worked!!!!

The Clomid has done it's job! I have gotten +opks for the past three days now! And today is only CD14 :-) I am skeptical on getting pregnant on the first try with this medicine, but anything could happen, right? Only time will tell now.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I have so much to be thankful for! I have a wonderful husband whom I am so grateful for each and every day I wake up next to him. I have a supportive circle of family and friends that I don't know what I'd do without. And I cannot forget my Bump friends. The women of this site are truly amazing and inspire me to keep going. I have a few really CLOSE friendships that have come from this board and I am very thankful for them in my life. I hope someday I get to meet them in person, and with our babies as well!!! If I don't get to writing before Thursday, have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!

Monday, November 8, 2010

A New Start

Well after a 55 day cycle, Provera has brought on AF! So very thankful to see red today!!! I haven't seen AF since Sept 14th! Hopefully with the help of Clomid, this cycle will be MUCH shorter. Bring on...

Brian and I had such a great time at the Packers vs Cowboys game last night. Sad its the last game of the season for us, but I guess its ok since the games are only going to get colder and colder!!!

I am happy to report that I have lost 5.2 lbs so far!!! And eating better has really made me feel better. Cutting the carbs has not been easy, but I am doing alright. I still allow bread/potatoes once in a while, but very limited. And my clothes are actually starting to feel loose. It is such a great feeling to know I am getting healthier. I think Brian is even losing a few lbs himself, even though he doesn't always like the diet.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

New Plan

I had my OB appt today to discuss my long cycles and what is next. After she asked me a couple of routine questions and looking over my information, she concluded that my main issue is my weight. I have been heavy most of my life and have been battling it constantly. The past two years have been so tough on me, that I am not surprised I have gained a lot of weight. But it is no excuse. She mentioned the possibility of having PCOS, but never really went into detail with me on it. Her first recommendation was to join Weight Watchers, and come back in 6 months to see where I am at. I broke down in tears. We have been TTC for over two years now. The idea of waiting another 6 months to start trying was not even conceivable to me. She said if I was not wanting to wait, that she would prescribe me the Provera to end this cycle and the Clomid for the next, but made it clear that my weight loss needs to be my #1 focus. Tonight was my first day of Provera. Cannot wait for this cycle to be over! Clomid starts on cycle day #3 next cyle.

So this is where I am at. I have not decided if I am going to or can even afford the Weight Watchers program, but I do know that I need to make lifestyle changes! It was a good thing we hadn't done grocery shopping is 3 weeks.... this helped giving me a "blank slate" when it came to what I have in my house to eat. So I bought a LOT of fresh fruits and veggies! I am determined to lost weight. It was hard to hear what my OB had to say today, but in a way, it opened up my eyes to my future. I want to be a mother. So in order to have a better chance of having that, and to be healthier for myself and the baby, I will do everything I can to lose this weight. One day at a time!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Plan for Moving Forward as We Look Back....

I still have no progress on the ovulation front, so I called my OB's office. I have an appt scheduled for Oct 26th to discuss Provera (if I haven't O'd by my appt) and starting Clomid next cycle. This cycle has been so stressful, not only because my body is delayed, but with work as well. Once I got off the phone with the OB nurse, I felt such relief. We have a plan now. And that makes the negative opk tests that much more tolerable. Let me tell you, I have gone through so many this cycle already, I should invest in their companies. But I have backed off and am only taking 1 a day from now on. I am still temping and if I happen to get a +opk then we will still try.

Now to the sad. Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It just so happens that Brian and I are both off today. It's nice having him home with me on a day like today. I think of my angels every day as I put on my necklace with their birthstones on it. I was their mom the moment those two pink lines came up on the test. And the love we felt for them will never fade away. To my babies, your Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We never wanted anything more than we wanted you. Even though we never held you, we loved you. Even though we never seen you on an u/s, we saw you in our dreams. And even though we never heard your heart beating, we hope you felt the love we had for you from the very beginning.

To those that have lost, I am truly sorry. The pain never goes away. And we will never forget. In honor of those babies gone too soon......

Saturday, October 9, 2010

No June Baby....

For some reason, my body is deciding to stall and not ovulate yet. Its reminding my of my June cycle this year where I didn't ovulate until CD 37. Right now I am on CD 26. Even if I ovulate soon, my EDD would be in July. I am going to call my OB if I have not O'd by next Friday. I am thinking I may need Clomid. For those who aren't familiar with the drug, it helps women ovulate. Mostly for those who just don't period, but it is also given to women to help regulate cycles as well. It may be all my body needs to even out. But I will ask her what she recommends and go from there. Even though this is only our second cycle officially trying again, October marks the two year mark of when we decided to start trying. Come on body of mine, COOPERATE!!!!

I want to thank everyone that has been with me through this process. I have said this before, but I am truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends! Even those friends that I have never met in person. So from the bottom of my heart....

Monday, October 4, 2010

Phrases I HATE

I can't begin to say how much I hate the following phrases....

"Everything happens for a reason"

"Good things come to those who wait."


"It will happen. Just Relax"


"You are just trying too hard"

I know the people who say these things to me have good intentions, but I don't want to hear it anymore. I have been patient enough I think.... two years now since Brian and I started trying. Two years... and two angels lost. I've been patient!!!!! (As much as I can considering its def NOT one of my strong traits). the relaxing part, that's another story.

I have had so much stress lately at work that I am beginning to think it is throwing off my body with ovulating. I need to try and leave the work stress at work.. and minimize that as well. this past week was hell. The new fall/winter menus came out from corporate, so I needed to get the recipes, menus, and menu board sheets all ready for today to start them. Then we have new dining changes going on as well. Plus, we have a new reimbursement system for Medicare. So lots going on. I was so glad to just forget about everything yesterday. Brian and I went with another couple to the Packers vs Lions game. TTC nor work crossed my mind the whole time! Refreshing :-)

I am going to make it my goal this week to relax more and not stress so much.... wish me luck!!!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Thankful Thursday

Well I wish I could be thankful for a BFP this week, but I have to settle for a new cycle starting and getting the chance to try again. The last cycle I had such high expectations, and it was hard to be let down. But today is a new day!! I was looking at my chart this morning and if I ovulate around the time I usually do, I would be testing (hopefully) right around Brian's birthday! How great would that present be?!?!? Great, now my hopes are starting up again, lol. I guess time will tell, huh?!

I am LOVING this time of year. Its getting cooler out, the central air is turned off, windows opened, and I get to watch my Brewers, Badgers, and Packers!!!! I have noticed that even some of the leaves are starting to change already. This is my favorite time of year, by far. Brian and I will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary on the 27th! I know we had our MN trip planned as part of our anniversary gift to each other, but I think I might still have to plan something special for us. We have been through SO much in two years, and almost didn't make it to where we are today. I am thankful each and every day that he is with me! I am a very lucky woman!!!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Obviously Not One of My Strong Points....

This cycle has been the hardest for me to wait for either AF or a BFP. It didn't help when right before I had my HSG performed, the radiology assistant tells me that, "not all the time, but sometimes, women get pregnant right after this." Gee thanks. My chart is so weird this time. I have never had such consistant temps for so many days in a row in my 2ww. Plus, with having a difficult time sleeping though the night around my O time, I am not sure when I really ovulated. With this cycle being our first TRUE cycle starting since our loss in May, it is making it even harder. I am so ready to know what is going on and where to go from here. In the meantime, I will try to relax and be more PATIENT.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Thankful Thursday

So I am so excited for this week to be over. Brian and I planned a weekend away to MN a couple of months ago for labor Day weekend. When we found out about the ectopic, my OB told us 3 months. So we decided that we wanted to plan a vacation for the two of us to celebrate that, and to just relax. We have been through SO much the last two years and really need this time to reconnect and remind us how mush in love we really are. Never in my worst nightmares had I thought after two years of marriage and TTC that we would be here. We almost lost each other a year ago. I am truly grateful to still have him by my side today! I love our life together! But to have our losses occur and to change our relationship so much in such a short amount of time was never a thought in my mind. I had hoped that I would O around our vacation time, and I just missed it. By my chart, it looks like I have already. So now we can relax and just enjoy ourselves in MN :-) Stay tuned in a couple of weeks for hopefully good news!!!! *fingers crossed*

I had a difficult day at work yesterday. For those who read this and don't know, I work as a dietary manager at a nursing home. I have worked in long-term health care since I was 16. There are so many rewards to this job! Making people laugh, smile, and hearing stories about their past (true or otherwise), makes our older generation truly fascinating. But with all the positive, there is one major drawback; losing those you care about. They may not be related to me, but in my heart, they are family. Sometimes myself and my co-workers are the only people our residents see on a daily basis. Even holidays, there are those with no blood relatives around. Yesterday we lost an angel. She was truly an amazing woman. And I owe her a huge thanks for reminding me not to take anything for granted. We have today and this moment. Nothing beyond that is promised! I will miss her very much and hope she is at peace now.

Friday, August 27, 2010

An Exciting Week.....

I want to congratulate two of my dear Bump friends that were blessed with their BFPs this week!!! Kristen and Leah, you both deserve this so much. I couldn't be more excited for you both!!!! And I am truly thankful to be apart of this journey with you. I wish you both the best of luck with your pregnancies and hope everything goes smoothly!!!

With my HSG coming back normal, Brian and I are ready to start trying again. I am hoping that I can ovulate A LOT sooner this cycle than the last, but we shall see. So far, -opks. We are going to MN to Mall of America next weekend through Labor Day, and cannot wait :-) Would sure be nice to O around then and have a "souvenir" to remember our vacation by... lol. I am just glad we are back in the game again. Waiting was so difficult and frustrating!

Have a safe weekend!!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

HSG Results :-)

I just got home from my HSG appt. GREAT NEWS... all is clear! So we have the green light to start trying again! I couldn't be happier. The test itself didn't take long, but the pain and cramping was intense for the short amount of time. So thankful for it to be over now, and we can finally move forward! Here's to our 2011 baby!!!!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Ready to Try Again...

Well, AF finally arrived on Friday after a LONG cycle! I called my OB right away in the morning and my HSG is scheduled for August 23rd. If everything is in good, we are in the clear to start trying again. If not, then we will deal with it. I am hoping that there are no blockages or damage from the ectopic to my tubes. Brian is taking the day off to go with me and I think my mom is coming as well. Its so great to have such a wonderful support system. I am truly blessed!!! The good part about this test is at least the results are quick. We should know shortly after the procedure whats going on. I finally feel like we can completely move forward soon, and it's so refreshing! We are both ready and hoping for a miracle to bless our lives soon!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Thankful Thursday!!

So this was a very exciting day for me. I have been so down and frustrated with my body for two major reasons. One, because I got weighed at the OB office a couple of weeks ago and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I hate my picture taken and get so discouraged seeing myself in photos. I need to lose this weight! And second, because my body seems to be stalled on the ovulation front. I have been using ovulation tests for weeks now and just when I think its starting to get close and they are dark, then it gets light again. My temps have been ALL over the place, which is not the norm for me neither. So I called my OB on Monday to see if she could give me medication to help this cycle along since after AF gets here, I am scheduling my HSG and hopefully if all is clear, to start trying again. She agreed to let me get something if I hadn't gotten my period by the weekend and if I take a HPT and its negative. Well I already know I am not pregnant! I haven't even O'd yet!!! But today was a good day....

YAY, a positive OPK finally!!!

I am going to call my OB tomorrow and let her know about this. I think I will see what happens with my temps over the weekend. Hopefully my body isn't faking me out!! I would love not to need the Provera :-) Now just to work on the weight loss....

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Rough Day Today....

The past few days, I have noticed myself becoming more and more sad. I think about my two angels everyday... and lately, its been more often. Maybe because our first angel should be turning 1 next month. Or maybe because right now, my body isn't working the way I want it to and we are at a stand-still with TTC. Whatever the reason, I surely need to snap out of this "funk" that I am in. There is a quote that I got in an e-mail at work that is really sticking with me....

"When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."

On one hand, this gives me hope that what was taken from me wasn't for nothing, and that one day we will have our baby in our arms. On the other hand, what was so wrong with my angels that God took them away... in my eyes, there was nothing BETTER than them. Today, for the first time in a couple months, I went in the the "baby room." When I lost the second baby, I put everything baby-related in the closet. I couldn't open the door and see everything. I opening the closet door and the tears started flooding my eyes. I held a couple of the outfits we had bought.

Now I am at work, and all I can think about is how much I miss my babies and how cruel the world is for taking something so precious from me.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Appointment Info

So I had my f/u appt from my ectopic m/c today. My OB says everything is looking great and normal. After this cycle is over, I am to call the office and set up an appt for my HSG test. And it the results show that everything is good, we can start TTC again. If not, then we deal with it. I am really hoping that everything will be great. Now I am in a rush to O and get AF here so we can get this show on the road, per say!

I didn't write much last week since I was barely home. Brian and I went to Chicago last Tues night through Thurs afternoon. I had seminars for work, so he took some vacation time and came with me. It was nice to get away, and enjoy the city. I was thankful to get home and sleep in my own bed though. Then we turned around and had a weekend up north with Brian's family. It was our niece's 1st birthday party Saturday. Here is a pic of her with her cake.....

Thank you to all of those who have helped me get through this journey so far. I couldn't have done it without you! I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in my life.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thankful Thursday

This week has been so crazy at work, and I am so thankful that today is my last day before a nice three day weekend with my husband. And next week we will be in Chicago for a seminar for work. Brian took time off to come with me! It will be so nice to get away from the day-to-day stuff and be able to relax and have a good time together. I have such awesome neighbors that will be taking care of our yellow lab, Addison, for the couple of days that we are gone. I am sure she will LOVE playing with their two dogs!

I wanted to take a second to say thank you to those who have opened up their lives and hearts to me since joining the Bump. Its amazing how close you can feel to women you have never met. You all are going to be wonderful moms someday and am truly blessed to know you!

I wish you all a safe and happy July 4th weekend! Our country, even with its problems, is wonderful and I am so honored to call myself an American! God bless!!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Maybe August?

So when I went in for the methotrexate injection on May 11th, my OB told us to wait 3 months to try again. That, to me, was almost as worse as losing the baby. But I understood that if this med is still in my system and I get pregnant again, it could cause birth defects. After a close call this cycle, Brian and I talked about it more today. After thinking about things, here is what I have concluded... the injection was May 11th, so three months would be August 11th. AF just left and if I have a "normal" cycle, I wouldn't see her again until the end of July. That then puts my O to be at least the middle of August. So if I were to conceive then, the risk of something going wrong due to the med is pretty unlikely.

I know some may be concerned that we are rushing things or not giving enough time before we just move on. Or that I am not fully listening to the advice of my OB. I would never intentionally do something to risk the health and well-being of our child. Trust me, when I have my f/u appt July 13th, this will be question at the top of my list to ask her. And considering everything, I don't see a reason why she wouldn't agree.

These past two years have been the most trying of my life. We bought our dream house and got married within two weeks of the other! We started TTC the next months and got lucky very early on. The first loss was Earth-shattering not only for us as individuals, but also our marriage. At one point, I wanted to throw in the towel. I was done!! But luckily, counseling saved our marriage. And it took until January 2010 to get back to a place where we felt like we could TTC again. Only to go through the pain of another loss four short months later. In this aspect, I am not sure I believe the saying of, "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I know I am fortunate to have the ability to get pregnant. But the pain of losing something so innocent and precious is bitter and cold to the soul.

I hope I didn't offend anyone reading this and I apologize if I have.

Friday, June 25, 2010

A Little of This & That

So I didn't get time to write my Thankful Thursday post, but this week I am thankful that AF arrived and my body is working as it should. I have to say charting is amazing and am so glad I can see whats going on by just taking my temp every morning! I am also very thankful that the severe weather WI has experienced this past week didn't result in any fatalities!

I am so glad its Friday!!! I worked Sunday, so this is day 6 and I am SO ready for the weekend. And the best part is that we don't even have any plans. I LOVE weekends like that!! Maybe we will go see a movie or something. I'd love to have a date day/night in Madison :-) But we will see. I know the house needs to be cleaned and we have some shopping to do as well.

I have my f/u appt scheduled with my OB July 13th. I am hoping everything will go well and then she will schedule my HSG. I am a littler nervous about that since I hear mixed stories. Some say its very painful, while others say its nothing worse than AF cramping. I am just looking for there to be nothing blocking my tubes and to ensure everything is "normal."

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Thankful Thursday

I truly have something to be thankful for today. I had my HCG (beta) drawn this morning and called in the afternoon for the results. I was praying for a ZERO since last week's was 4.6 ... per the OB nurse, "Its less than 0.1, so you are done." Not exactly zero, but I think its as close as anyone could get! Of course my OB is out of the office until Monday, so I will have to wait until then to set up my follow up appt. And we will see what she wants to do next.

Today, I am also thankful for a few wonderful women that I have come to know from the Bump! A number of them are pregnant and I am so fortunate to have them share their pregnancy with me! Thankful that each and every day, their babies are growing! I have a couple ladies that are still going through the TTC journey with me, and I couldn't be here without you!!!! Having someone that knows how it feels every month to be disappointed when AF shows up. And gets just as excited for you when you have a "pretty looking chart," even though we all know it doesn't mean jack most of the time. So from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU ALL! You all are truly remarkable women and I am so glad I have met you!

"Its the friends we meet along life's road who help us appreciate the journey."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Thankful Thursday

For my 1st Thankful Thursday post, I have to praise my husband. He has gotten me through SO much over the years, especially with both losses. He's a wonderful husband... last night I was trying to figure out this blog stuff and he asked me to come outside before it got dark. I said I would... ten minutes later he asked again, so I came up.... to find he had mowed "I love you" in our backyard! It was the sweetest thing he's done for me!

I also am so thankful for wonderful friends. I have a few IRL that are always there for me, and I treasure them. And now I am growing this new group of friends that I've never even met. The Bump site has really been a blessing to me. I've come to know some AMAZING women from this site. A couple, it seems like I have known them forever and can tell them anything. Its unreal how connected you can feel to women miles and miles away. I have three that are pregnant right now and am SO thankful to be sharing their journey with them. One amazing woman has been through so much recently, and I wish she lived closer so I could be more support for her. I have to say that even with losing two babies, I am truly blessed! Its people like these that makes the hard days bearable!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

This made me cry....

Back to the charting board...

So I decided to start temping and charting again last weekend. I am actually thankful that I did. My temp was still high as of Saturday and has dropped significantly since then (below my "normal" coverline). So if its any indication, I am thinking my HCG level is back to zero!!!! I wanted to get betas drawn today, but figured since the last one was last Thursday, that I should give it the full week just to make sure! I have to say though, I enjoyed the mornings of not setting the alarm to temp. Now just need to order the OPKs and I will be all set. Even though we are TTA until Sept, I think I am going to like this approach. I don't see the point in going back on the pill for less than 3 months and then off again. Plus, it gets me in practice of doing all of this again! Hopefully 3rd time's the charm for us!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

My first entry....

First I want to say hello and thanks for taking the time to read this. I had thought about starting one of these for a while now, and decided since its a rainy Saturday evening, I would give it a shot!

A little info about me.... my name is Marissa. I am a dietary manager at a nursing home and really love my job! I have worked with the elderly all my life and have great respect for them. I married the love of my life, Brian, on September 27th, 2008. We had decided we were ready to start a family, so the following month I went off the pill. We were excited to find out at Thanksgiving, that Brian's only sibling was expecting! We couldn't be happier for her and to have a niece/nephew on the way! On December 16th, I had decided to run to Walgreens before work to get a pregnancy test. How shocked was I for it to come up "Pregnant." I showed all of my co-workers and called Brian at work! The following week, it was rainy and very icy. I was almost to work and ended up in a car accident. The car was totaled and I was ok, but insisted on going to get checked out. Since I wasn't far enough along, the ER doctor told me that there was no way of knowing if the baby was ok or not. And even if I were to miscarry, there would be no way of knowing if the accident caused it or not. I felt find and had no complications.

January came and I had my first appointment at my 8 week mark. My mom and Brian were both there with me. After the exam, we went into the ultrasound room. I was so excited to see our baby. Only to see an empty sac. The baby was gone. I was devastated! We decided to let me miscarry naturally instead of have surgery. I went in for weekly betas... and as of April, it stalled at 12. So I needed the D&C anyways to prevent an infection.

It was a LONG, emotional road to get back to TTC for Brian and I. But we finally made it and decided in January 2010 we would give it another shot. I found where I learned about charting, temping, CM, and OPKs. I also have made some REMARKABLE friends that will be in my life for a LONG time, I hope. The months went on and I started to get more and more discouraged. Then it happened again!

April 26th, I took a FRER and saw two beautiful lines! I was so thankful, but again... very scared of history repeating itself. I had my first betas drawn that week and were 26 and 62, which were low but it did double! The following week it was only 84 and the ultrasound showed nothing. My OB diagnosed it as a tubal pregnancy. I was given an injection of methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy to prevent the tube erupting.

So here we are, in June and still waiting. September 1st, our TTC journey begins again and I am praying for a miracle. In the mean time, I am going to enjoy my summer and wonderful family/friends! Sorry for the long entry.... and thanks for reading!