New Plan

I had my OB appt today to discuss my long cycles and what is next. After she asked me a couple of routine questions and looking over my information, she concluded that my main issue is my weight. I have been heavy most of my life and have been battling it constantly. The past two years have been so tough on me, that I am not surprised I have gained a lot of weight. But it is no excuse. She mentioned the possibility of having PCOS, but never really went into detail with me on it. Her first recommendation was to join Weight Watchers, and come back in 6 months to see where I am at. I broke down in tears. We have been TTC for over two years now. The idea of waiting another 6 months to start trying was not even conceivable to me. She said if I was not wanting to wait, that she would prescribe me the Provera to end this cycle and the Clomid for the next, but made it clear that my weight loss needs to be my #1 focus. Tonight was my first day of Provera. Cannot wait for this cycle to be over! Clomid starts on cycle day #3 next cyle.

So this is where I am at. I have not decided if I am going to or can even afford the Weight Watchers program, but I do know that I need to make lifestyle changes! It was a good thing we hadn't done grocery shopping is 3 weeks.... this helped giving me a "blank slate" when it came to what I have in my house to eat. So I bought a LOT of fresh fruits and veggies! I am determined to lost weight. It was hard to hear what my OB had to say today, but in a way, it opened up my eyes to my future. I want to be a mother. So in order to have a better chance of having that, and to be healthier for myself and the baby, I will do everything I can to lose this weight. One day at a time!

Plan for Moving Forward as We Look Back....

I still have no progress on the ovulation front, so I called my OB's office. I have an appt scheduled for Oct 26th to discuss Provera (if I haven't O'd by my appt) and starting Clomid next cycle. This cycle has been so stressful, not only because my body is delayed, but with work as well. Once I got off the phone with the OB nurse, I felt such relief. We have a plan now. And that makes the negative opk tests that much more tolerable. Let me tell you, I have gone through so many this cycle already, I should invest in their companies. But I have backed off and am only taking 1 a day from now on. I am still temping and if I happen to get a +opk then we will still try.

Now to the sad. Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It just so happens that Brian and I are both off today. It's nice having him home with me on a day like today. I think of my angels every day as I put on my necklace with their birthstones on it. I was their mom the moment those two pink lines came up on the test. And the love we felt for them will never fade away. To my babies, your Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We never wanted anything more than we wanted you. Even though we never held you, we loved you. Even though we never seen you on an u/s, we saw you in our dreams. And even though we never heard your heart beating, we hope you felt the love we had for you from the very beginning.

To those that have lost, I am truly sorry. The pain never goes away. And we will never forget. In honor of those babies gone too soon......

No June Baby....

For some reason, my body is deciding to stall and not ovulate yet. Its reminding my of my June cycle this year where I didn't ovulate until CD 37. Right now I am on CD 26. Even if I ovulate soon, my EDD would be in July. I am going to call my OB if I have not O'd by next Friday. I am thinking I may need Clomid. For those who aren't familiar with the drug, it helps women ovulate. Mostly for those who just don't period, but it is also given to women to help regulate cycles as well. It may be all my body needs to even out. But I will ask her what she recommends and go from there. Even though this is only our second cycle officially trying again, October marks the two year mark of when we decided to start trying. Come on body of mine, COOPERATE!!!!


I want to thank everyone that has been with me through this process. I have said this before, but I am truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends! Even those friends that I have never met in person. So from the bottom of my heart....

Phrases I HATE

I can't begin to say how much I hate the following phrases....

"Everything happens for a reason"

                                                    

"Good things come to those who wait."

                                                

"It will happen. Just Relax"

                                                               

"You are just trying too hard"

I know the people who say these things to me have good intentions, but I don't want to hear it anymore. I have been patient enough I think.... two years now since Brian and I started trying. Two years... and two angels lost. I've been patient!!!!! (As much as I can considering its def NOT one of my strong traits). the relaxing part, that's another story.

I have had so much stress lately at work that I am beginning to think it is throwing off my body with ovulating. I need to try and leave the work stress at work.. and minimize that as well. this past week was hell. The new fall/winter menus came out from corporate, so I needed to get the recipes, menus, and menu board sheets all ready for today to start them. Then we have new dining changes going on as well. Plus, we have a new reimbursement system for Medicare. So lots going on. I was so glad to just forget about everything yesterday. Brian and I went with another couple to the Packers vs Lions game. TTC nor work crossed my mind the whole time! Refreshing :-)

I am going to make it my goal this week to relax more and not stress so much.... wish me luck!!!

Thankful Thursday

Well I wish I could be thankful for a BFP this week, but I have to settle for a new cycle starting and getting the chance to try again. The last cycle I had such high expectations, and it was hard to be let down. But today is a new day!! I was looking at my chart this morning and if I ovulate around the time I usually do, I would be testing (hopefully) right around Brian's birthday! How great would that present be?!?!? Great, now my hopes are starting up again, lol. I guess time will tell, huh?!

I am LOVING this time of year. Its getting cooler out, the central air is turned off, windows opened, and I get to watch my Brewers, Badgers, and Packers!!!! I have noticed that even some of the leaves are starting to change already. This is my favorite time of year, by far. Brian and I will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary on the 27th! I know we had our MN trip planned as part of our anniversary gift to each other, but I think I might still have to plan something special for us. We have been through SO much in two years, and almost didn't make it to where we are today. I am thankful each and every day that he is with me! I am a very lucky woman!!!!

Obviously Not One of My Strong Points....

This cycle has been the hardest for me to wait for either AF or a BFP. It didn't help when right before I had my HSG performed, the radiology assistant tells me that, "not all the time, but sometimes, women get pregnant right after this." Gee thanks. My chart is so weird this time. I have never had such consistant temps for so many days in a row in my 2ww. Plus, with having a difficult time sleeping though the night around my O time, I am not sure when I really ovulated. With this cycle being our first TRUE cycle starting since our loss in May, it is making it even harder. I am so ready to know what is going on and where to go from here. In the meantime, I will try to relax and be more PATIENT.

Thankful Thursday

So I am so excited for this week to be over. Brian and I planned a weekend away to MN a couple of months ago for labor Day weekend. When we found out about the ectopic, my OB told us 3 months. So we decided that we wanted to plan a vacation for the two of us to celebrate that, and to just relax. We have been through SO much the last two years and really need this time to reconnect and remind us how mush in love we really are. Never in my worst nightmares had I thought after two years of marriage and TTC that we would be here. We almost lost each other a year ago. I am truly grateful to still have him by my side today! I love our life together! But to have our losses occur and to change our relationship so much in such a short amount of time was never a thought in my mind. I had hoped that I would O around our vacation time, and I just missed it. By my chart, it looks like I have already. So now we can relax and just enjoy ourselves in MN :-) Stay tuned in a couple of weeks for hopefully good news!!!! *fingers crossed*

I had a difficult day at work yesterday. For those who read this and don't know, I work as a dietary manager at a nursing home. I have worked in long-term health care since I was 16. There are so many rewards to this job! Making people laugh, smile, and hearing stories about their past (true or otherwise), makes our older generation truly fascinating. But with all the positive, there is one major drawback; losing those you care about. They may not be related to me, but in my heart, they are family. Sometimes myself and my co-workers are the only people our residents see on a daily basis. Even holidays, there are those with no blood relatives around. Yesterday we lost an angel. She was truly an amazing woman. And I owe her a huge thanks for reminding me not to take anything for granted. We have today and this moment. Nothing beyond that is promised! I will miss her very much and hope she is at peace now.