Thankful Thursday!!

So this was a very exciting day for me. I have been so down and frustrated with my body for two major reasons. One, because I got weighed at the OB office a couple of weeks ago and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I hate my picture taken and get so discouraged seeing myself in photos. I need to lose this weight! And second, because my body seems to be stalled on the ovulation front. I have been using ovulation tests for weeks now and just when I think its starting to get close and they are dark, then it gets light again. My temps have been ALL over the place, which is not the norm for me neither. So I called my OB on Monday to see if she could give me medication to help this cycle along since after AF gets here, I am scheduling my HSG and hopefully if all is clear, to start trying again. She agreed to let me get something if I hadn't gotten my period by the weekend and if I take a HPT and its negative. Well I already know I am not pregnant! I haven't even O'd yet!!! But today was a good day....

YAY, a positive OPK finally!!!

I am going to call my OB tomorrow and let her know about this. I think I will see what happens with my temps over the weekend. Hopefully my body isn't faking me out!! I would love not to need the Provera :-) Now just to work on the weight loss....

Rough Day Today....

The past few days, I have noticed myself becoming more and more sad. I think about my two angels everyday... and lately, its been more often. Maybe because our first angel should be turning 1 next month. Or maybe because right now, my body isn't working the way I want it to and we are at a stand-still with TTC. Whatever the reason, I surely need to snap out of this "funk" that I am in. There is a quote that I got in an e-mail at work that is really sticking with me....

"When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."

On one hand, this gives me hope that what was taken from me wasn't for nothing, and that one day we will have our baby in our arms. On the other hand, what was so wrong with my angels that God took them away... in my eyes, there was nothing BETTER than them. Today, for the first time in a couple months, I went in the the "baby room." When I lost the second baby, I put everything baby-related in the closet. I couldn't open the door and see everything. I opening the closet door and the tears started flooding my eyes. I held a couple of the outfits we had bought.

Now I am at work, and all I can think about is how much I miss my babies and how cruel the world is for taking something so precious from me.

Appointment Info

So I had my f/u appt from my ectopic m/c today. My OB says everything is looking great and normal. After this cycle is over, I am to call the office and set up an appt for my HSG test. And it the results show that everything is good, we can start TTC again. If not, then we deal with it. I am really hoping that everything will be great. Now I am in a rush to O and get AF here so we can get this show on the road, per say!

I didn't write much last week since I was barely home. Brian and I went to Chicago last Tues night through Thurs afternoon. I had seminars for work, so he took some vacation time and came with me. It was nice to get away, and enjoy the city. I was thankful to get home and sleep in my own bed though. Then we turned around and had a weekend up north with Brian's family. It was our niece's 1st birthday party Saturday. Here is a pic of her with her cake.....

Thank you to all of those who have helped me get through this journey so far. I couldn't have done it without you! I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in my life.

Thankful Thursday

This week has been so crazy at work, and I am so thankful that today is my last day before a nice three day weekend with my husband. And next week we will be in Chicago for a seminar for work. Brian took time off to come with me! It will be so nice to get away from the day-to-day stuff and be able to relax and have a good time together. I have such awesome neighbors that will be taking care of our yellow lab, Addison, for the couple of days that we are gone. I am sure she will LOVE playing with their two dogs!

I wanted to take a second to say thank you to those who have opened up their lives and hearts to me since joining the Bump. Its amazing how close you can feel to women you have never met. You all are going to be wonderful moms someday and am truly blessed to know you!

I wish you all a safe and happy July 4th weekend! Our country, even with its problems, is wonderful and I am so honored to call myself an American! God bless!!

Maybe August?

So when I went in for the methotrexate injection on May 11th, my OB told us to wait 3 months to try again. That, to me, was almost as worse as losing the baby. But I understood that if this med is still in my system and I get pregnant again, it could cause birth defects. After a close call this cycle, Brian and I talked about it more today. After thinking about things, here is what I have concluded... the injection was May 11th, so three months would be August 11th. AF just left and if I have a "normal" cycle, I wouldn't see her again until the end of July. That then puts my O to be at least the middle of August. So if I were to conceive then, the risk of something going wrong due to the med is pretty unlikely.

I know some may be concerned that we are rushing things or not giving enough time before we just move on. Or that I am not fully listening to the advice of my OB. I would never intentionally do something to risk the health and well-being of our child. Trust me, when I have my f/u appt July 13th, this will be question at the top of my list to ask her. And considering everything, I don't see a reason why she wouldn't agree.

These past two years have been the most trying of my life. We bought our dream house and got married within two weeks of the other! We started TTC the next months and got lucky very early on. The first loss was Earth-shattering not only for us as individuals, but also our marriage. At one point, I wanted to throw in the towel. I was done!! But luckily, counseling saved our marriage. And it took until January 2010 to get back to a place where we felt like we could TTC again. Only to go through the pain of another loss four short months later. In this aspect, I am not sure I believe the saying of, "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I know I am fortunate to have the ability to get pregnant. But the pain of losing something so innocent and precious is bitter and cold to the soul.

I hope I didn't offend anyone reading this and I apologize if I have.

A Little of This & That

So I didn't get time to write my Thankful Thursday post, but this week I am thankful that AF arrived and my body is working as it should. I have to say charting is amazing and am so glad I can see whats going on by just taking my temp every morning! I am also very thankful that the severe weather WI has experienced this past week didn't result in any fatalities!

I am so glad its Friday!!! I worked Sunday, so this is day 6 and I am SO ready for the weekend. And the best part is that we don't even have any plans. I LOVE weekends like that!! Maybe we will go see a movie or something. I'd love to have a date day/night in Madison :-) But we will see. I know the house needs to be cleaned and we have some shopping to do as well.

I have my f/u appt scheduled with my OB July 13th. I am hoping everything will go well and then she will schedule my HSG. I am a littler nervous about that since I hear mixed stories. Some say its very painful, while others say its nothing worse than AF cramping. I am just looking for there to be nothing blocking my tubes and to ensure everything is "normal."

Thankful Thursday

I truly have something to be thankful for today. I had my HCG (beta) drawn this morning and called in the afternoon for the results. I was praying for a ZERO since last week's was 4.6 ... per the OB nurse, "Its less than 0.1, so you are done." Not exactly zero, but I think its as close as anyone could get! Of course my OB is out of the office until Monday, so I will have to wait until then to set up my follow up appt. And we will see what she wants to do next.

Today, I am also thankful for a few wonderful women that I have come to know from the Bump! A number of them are pregnant and I am so fortunate to have them share their pregnancy with me! Thankful that each and every day, their babies are growing! I have a couple ladies that are still going through the TTC journey with me, and I couldn't be here without you!!!! Having someone that knows how it feels every month to be disappointed when AF shows up. And gets just as excited for you when you have a "pretty looking chart," even though we all know it doesn't mean jack most of the time. So from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU ALL! You all are truly remarkable women and I am so glad I have met you!

"Its the friends we meet along life's road who help us appreciate the journey."